I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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