Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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