Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize