I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
