I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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