just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
