I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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