we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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