I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
