..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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