I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
