I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
