Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize