he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
