Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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