So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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