On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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