M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
