Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
