I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
