I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
