wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
