just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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