genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
