Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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