The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Randomize
