They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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