Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
