How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
