neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
