Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
