My hand turned me down
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
