life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
