woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
