the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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