I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
