I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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