Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
