if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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