he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
