I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Who died my cat blue again?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
