I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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