Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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