Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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