she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
