Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
