dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
