What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
