I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
