Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
