So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
