Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
