last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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