he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
