He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
