Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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