Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
