Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
