Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
