After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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