you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
