Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
