how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
