Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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