At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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