watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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