i think my tv is drunk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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