There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
