No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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