You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
