FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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