I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
