I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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