Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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